Acceptance and Mercy

The actress Susan Sarandon has been quoted (I am paraphrasing) as saying,"The bigger the mistakes, the more you learn." I agree.

I've done really well healing, and I want others to know what has helped me so much. My divorce is over, and I want to be a new, better, refined me. My divorce has been a great learning experience, it is done and over with. It has been the most difficult and painful thing I have ever gone through, and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned.

My life is starting again, maybe not new, but it has been newly 'rebooted.' I will always grieve for the loss of a simple family unit and the pain my children have experienced. Those feelings,while will always be there, are getting easier to live with, and I am happy on my own. I am not emotionally needy, either, which is pretty incredible. Many need 'that special someone'. I'm not saying that I wouldn't like someone like that, but I'm happy now, not desperately looking for Mr. Right. I feel more confident in me than I have in many years.

In his book "The Peacegiver" by James L. Ferrell, he explains through story form that when we are using the Atonement to remove the hurt, the Lord fills us with Christlike charity that fills up that hole inside with love for those who have hurt us, and if our companion decides to stay with us, then wonderful. But if they don't, we can take comfort, we have gained a companion in Christ.

I'm not perfect, and every so often I still get angry, frustrated, hurt, and all those feelings from the Adversary, because I am not yet perfect. I am improving, and for the most part I feel whole, and I do feel that companionship that Brother Ferrell has talked about. I personally feel this is why I'm not feeling those vulnerable 'I need someone to love me' feelings. It's really freeing. I want who I am to define me, not my divorce or my past mistakes. I want to leave behind the bad in the dust and enjoy the positives that are mine now. And, happily, I am doing it.

There is an article from the Ensign Magazine (look under Latter-Day Saint Voices) called Read Your Book of Mormon that really resonates with me. It is very similar to my own experience dealing with the loss of my marriage. This lady was dealing with the loss of a baby, but our experiences with the healing power of the Atonement were very similar. You might want to check it out.

An other article that is more of a report in the church news is by President Packer. This is about things that we have personally done wrong, and it has been helpful to me. We all deal with the agony of, "I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that" with the dissolution of a marriage. This is a good place to start to heal from this aspect of divorce, if you are interested: One Truth Most Worth Knowing by Elder Packer. It's a very good perspective. If we can just move beyond the "I need to" stage to the "I'm following through" stage, life gets much better quick.

Hope this helps you as much as it has me. I'ts just my humble opinion that it will.

Leaving Adversity Behind

I have found a great article from the Ensign magazine. It really has helped me. It was a nice reminder, sometimes we all need a pep talk. Especially me.:)

Leaving Adversity Behind by Elder David S. Baxter

You are not forgotten. Not now, not ever. Articles like this prove it. Keep looking to our Father in Heaven for help and comfort. He is there. Just ask him for the help and change of heart you need. He won't let you down.

Some Things That Help Simplify

I've been pretty sick lately. Bad case of food poisoning I think. Who has time to be sick? Not me. And not anybody I know. Lately, because of Thanksgiving, and because of a personal goal of mine to be more grateful, I have come up with a few links that have helped me tremendously. Especially while being sick :).

Flylady has been a huge help in keeping my house out of chaos for years. That is, when I am disciplined enough to do it. Conquering clutter and trails of daily living 15 minutes at a time! Marla Cilley is a genius.

www.flylady.net

I haven't tried 5 dinners 1 hour yet, but I think I'm going to be a fan. I love prepping thirty meals all in one day and then freezing it, cooking it when needed. However, my cash flow or time doesn't seem to cooperate lately. 5 days just seems the ticket for right now. It is a shopping list for dinners and sides, you prep for 1 hour, and you have 5 dinners in the  fridge, and you cook them when you need them. The sides are quick, quick, quick. And it's healthy. I downloaded the free menu mailer, looks really good. I'll let you know.

www.5dinners1hour.com

Very similar to this is SavingDinner.com. I love this site and did subscribe for a long time.

www.savingdinner.com

Here is the gratitude part:  "Recognizing God's Hand in Our Daily Blessings by Elder D. Todd Christofferson. This is a great lesson on the right perspective.

http://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/01/recognizing-gods-hand-in-our-daily-blessings?lang=eng

Well, meds are kicking in and I'm quickly becoming incoherent. Have a great week!

A Couple of Fun Quotes

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. -Alice Roosevelt Longsworth

Gossip is news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress. -Liz Smith

Sometimes it's really nice to embrace who we are and not take ourselves so seriously. :) Have a wonderful next 24 hours everybody!

Happiness Doesn't Just Happen: Attitude Makes All the Difference

picture from positivelypresent.com

I'm doing a minor assignment for a class that I am taking, and in doing so, came across a great article in a blog post from positivelypresent.com. It really echos what I believe, and have found to be true. We make our own happiness, even when life just couldn't be going worse. This is a very empowering, yet at the same time, it's frightening because the responsibility for being happy is all on our shoulders. If this is scary, remember, this is really, really cool. It means that no one but you can stop you from being happy. It is true that attitudes make all the difference.

In order to be happy, we really need to understand what happiness is. "Researchers find that happiness is not a fixed state and does not primarily result from getting more money, cars, clothes, or promotions because these achievements gradually lose their emotional appeal, as predicted by the adaptation level theory*. Rather, being happy is a continuous process associated with making an effort to enjoy simple, daily pleasurable events, people, or situations. It includes a daily diet of little highs, as well as pursuing personal goals, developing a sense of meaningfulness, having intimate relationships, and not judging yourself against what others do but by your own yardstick "(Plotnik, Rod, and Kouyoumdjian, 447, emphasis added)*. It seems to reason then, that focusing more on the good things in everyday rather than our daily hassles would be a good way to generate more happiness in our lives. If we notice and appreciate what we have, we really elevate our moods by focusing our thoughts in a positive direction. Sometimes we are hurt by the action of others, whether it was meant to hurt us or not. It does become necessary to take this in stride.

Taking hurtful things in stride is not easy, and sometimes requires some action on our part. 'Reframing' or changing the our perspective of a situation can be helpful to see these difficult situations in a better light. An example of changing our perspective is illustrated in an example that Karen Stone, MS, LMFT-A, LCDCi, gave me: A man was in the line to checkout at a supermarket with his children. It was later in the evening.  He seemed very upset, and others in line were not appreciative of his parenting methods. It wasn't until one of the children asked their father if their mother was in Heaven yet. From their conversation it became obvious that they were on their way home from the hospital where this man's wife had died, and they were buying food because there wasn't any food at home to eat. This reframed perspective on what was going on completely changed the opinions of those in line with this family. Instead of feeling indignant and hostile to the father, they felt compassion, sympathy and charity. This example of reframing didn't require the actions of those around this little family, but it gives a powerful example of how simple thoughts and perspectives changes our emotions. We can be proactive, and decide to reframe on our own. Here's how:

1. Stop the mental complaining. Complaining is the easy route, and usually causes us to feel worse, rather than better. This is because we are focusing on what is making us miserable. We need to think positively to feel better.
2. In your head, change the perspective: instead of someone having dark purposes, tell yourself that they or Providence has you in mind. An example of this is that Providence is keeping you safe because you are behind this infuriatingly slow vehicle on the road, even though you are in a hurry, or someone was really rude to you because they have just had something terrible happen to them. Even if your story is mostly fiction, it still can help you feel better.

Reframing is a good habit that will serve you well in your quest for happiness. It really can help us skim over the negatives and focus more on the positives that generate 'daily highs' that we need every day. This takes practice, sometimes at first it took me about 15 minutes into my mental grousing session before I realized what I was doing. But after a while my mental muscle became a bit stronger. Little by little those grousing sessions got shorter and shorter. Go me! I'm not perfect but I am sure a lot happier when I reframe.

Here is another neat idea: Dani at positivelypresent.com quotes actress Robin Wright Penn as saying, "I think negativity becomes kind of a habit. It's easy to fall into it and, like all habits, there's something familiar about it. I know it sounds ridiculous -- how can we be comfortable with sadness or negativity? But we can." I agree with this. It is effort at first to change negative thoughts. This article at positivelypresent is a must read. I am not affiliated in any way with this website. I just really thought it was helpful. Habits can most certainly be changed. We may not be able to control the thoughts that fly into our minds, but we control what we do with them. So in a nutshell:

1. Thoughts are habits.
2. Thoughts determine emotion.
3. If I manage those thoughts positively long enough, I manage my emotions.
4. My positive thinking becomes a habit that makes me happier.

I hope this helps you the way it has me.

*adaptation level theory: "says that we quickly become accustomed to receiving some good fortune (such as  money, job, car, or degree); we take the good fortune for granted within a short period of time; and as a result, the initial impact of our good fortune fades and contributes less to our long-term level of happiness."(Plotnik, Rod, and Kouyoumdjian, 447)

Works Cited

*Plotniik, Rod and Haig Kouyoumdjian. "Introduction to Psychology." Belmont, CA: Wadsworth, 2013. page 447. Print.

www.positivelypresent.com

 Stone, Karen, MS, LMFT-A, LCDCi

 

Moving On

Well, lots has happened since I posted last. My divorce is officially final. My ex seemed to be having second thoughts. He didn't, but it caused me to consider reconciliation. I didn't feel good about it. If I had, I would have done everything I could to do so, but I really felt awful about it. I realized I didn't want to put my kids through everything that they had been through again. My ex has waffled about wanting me for so long that I realized there was nothing different here, and I would not do that to myself or my kids again. It really went a long way to helping me get beyond "he left me, I'm a victim" feelings. I feel like God helped me to realize that if I had the choice, I still would choose my current situation. It feels so good to be realizing that life is not over, and I am actually happy now. Sure, money is so tight it's screaming and I'm a student trying to work and get the education I need, while trying to be the Mom my kids need. It's hard. But God is helping me, and I am starting to enjoy the idea of a fresh start. And my kids, who have had a really rough time, are settling down now that I seem a little more normal and happpy. Its really, really good to be in this emotional place after such a harrowing year.

Shutting Down the Drama

I've had some disagreements with the ex. I soon learned that if I "stood up for myself" that things just got worse. I have decided to just not get into "discussions" with him when there are disagreements, it's just not productive. I decided that it just isn't my job to teach him a thing, or even give consequences for the things I feel that he has done to me. That is, thankfully, God's job.

You know that parenting class that they make all people getting a divorce take? Well, in mine they taught us to focus on what is good for the child, no matter how ridiculous you may think your ex is being. I chose to follow that advice, because 1) my kids are my life, and 2) it seems to follow the "Golden Rule." I chose to not be like those who have hurt me, and backed down because I felt it was what God wanted me to do. I did it for Him, and, of course, my daughter. Please don't misunderstand, I am no doormat. I am, however, coming to realize that why even argue with someone that will never see eye to eye with me about anything? So, for me, sidestepping conflict keeps me from getting angry, and therefore helps my head stay on straight. I don't trust my mouth when I am angry. This disagreement was about driving. You'd think that is a small thing, and maybe it is, but the price of gas is a very big deal on my non-existent budget. Anyway, I chose to let things go and do things the ex's way because no way was I going to make my daughter feel bad that her parents were fighting again, and this time it was over something she needed. I want my children to know that taking care of them is a privilege and not a burden. Just a side-note here, I am not sure how she finds out about our disagreements, but I have my suspicions. Since she does find out when things go awry, I have to be very careful.

My ex responded to my new method in a very, very good way. It really made a difference once he realized I really had the children's best interest in mind. It seemed to really make things much better. We are actually talking civily, and acting more like aquaintences than adversaries. It has been wonderful for the kids. It gives me hope that co-parenting (don't you HATE that term) might be a little less difficult down the road.

It truly has completely shut down the drama, at least for now.  I hope that something similar works for you.

I'd love to get some feedback.

"Be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you."
-Doctrine and Covenants 68:6

Healing will Come- Everything Will Be Alright

*(This post is very religiously oriented)

I am so grateful for the atonement. I have learned first hand how the atonement of Jesus Christ is not just for the remission of sins, but it is also for taking pain away from us. I have learned that just praying, in the name of Jesus Christ, to remove that pain actually works! He hears and answers prayers! At first, the relief was only a few minutes. It seemed our Father in Heaven wanted me to show him that I was serious about turning to Him for comfort. The more I prayed, the more Comfort I received. Whenever I am angry, hurt, sad, depressed, or otherwise feeling negative, I go to our Father in Heaven. It so works.

The example of Jesus Christ teaches us to pray for our enemies, and this is an important part of our healing. If you can't pray for your ex yet, that's OK- it's your timeline, God gives us all the time we need. The sooner you start though, the faster you heal. Try it and see.

The next thing that I have learned is that the scriptures are better than Xanax or Clonazapam! They calm me down. No matter what I am reading, it seems to work. It is faint at first, you have to reach for the peace. Sometimes the book will fall open and my answer is right in front of me. Sometimes not, but the feeling of peace is there to be had if you reach for it. For me, I have been doing this for over a year, working through heartache and the can of worms that is opened when you divorce. I find that the peace I feel comes with much less effort on my part. Hang in there, and if you can, go to church.

So until next time:

1. Pray always- on your knees and in your heart in the name of Jesus Christ - and, though it may feel very against your grain- don't forget the ex.
2. Read your scriptures
3. Go to church. 
4. Tithe 10% to the church or charity of your choice. Keep trying. No one is perfect. This is one area that really opens channels for God to bless us.*
5. If you belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS), get a temple recommend and go to the temple when you can.
6. Live what you believe.

These are basic, but powerful. Do these things privately, and with your children. They need peace and healing as much or more than we do.

This I know: Everything will be alright. If you just do the basics, God will take care of everything. And in the meantime, He lifts you up, and makes your burdens light.

*Malachi 3:10 King James Version

10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

Matthew 11:28-30 King James Version

28 ¶^aCome unto me, all ye that ^blabour and are heavy laden, and I will give you ^crest.

29 Take my ^ayoke upon you, and ^blearn of me; for I am ^cmeek and ^dlowly in ^eheart: and ye shall find ^frest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is ^aeasy, and my burden is light.