Happiness Doesn't Just Happen: Attitude Makes All the Difference

picture from positivelypresent.com

I'm doing a minor assignment for a class that I am taking, and in doing so, came across a great article in a blog post from positivelypresent.com. It really echos what I believe, and have found to be true. We make our own happiness, even when life just couldn't be going worse. This is a very empowering, yet at the same time, it's frightening because the responsibility for being happy is all on our shoulders. If this is scary, remember, this is really, really cool. It means that no one but you can stop you from being happy. It is true that attitudes make all the difference.

In order to be happy, we really need to understand what happiness is. "Researchers find that happiness is not a fixed state and does not primarily result from getting more money, cars, clothes, or promotions because these achievements gradually lose their emotional appeal, as predicted by the adaptation level theory*. Rather, being happy is a continuous process associated with making an effort to enjoy simple, daily pleasurable events, people, or situations. It includes a daily diet of little highs, as well as pursuing personal goals, developing a sense of meaningfulness, having intimate relationships, and not judging yourself against what others do but by your own yardstick "(Plotnik, Rod, and Kouyoumdjian, 447, emphasis added)*. It seems to reason then, that focusing more on the good things in everyday rather than our daily hassles would be a good way to generate more happiness in our lives. If we notice and appreciate what we have, we really elevate our moods by focusing our thoughts in a positive direction. Sometimes we are hurt by the action of others, whether it was meant to hurt us or not. It does become necessary to take this in stride.

Taking hurtful things in stride is not easy, and sometimes requires some action on our part. 'Reframing' or changing the our perspective of a situation can be helpful to see these difficult situations in a better light. An example of changing our perspective is illustrated in an example that Karen Stone, MS, LMFT-A, LCDCi, gave me: A man was in the line to checkout at a supermarket with his children. It was later in the evening.  He seemed very upset, and others in line were not appreciative of his parenting methods. It wasn't until one of the children asked their father if their mother was in Heaven yet. From their conversation it became obvious that they were on their way home from the hospital where this man's wife had died, and they were buying food because there wasn't any food at home to eat. This reframed perspective on what was going on completely changed the opinions of those in line with this family. Instead of feeling indignant and hostile to the father, they felt compassion, sympathy and charity. This example of reframing didn't require the actions of those around this little family, but it gives a powerful example of how simple thoughts and perspectives changes our emotions. We can be proactive, and decide to reframe on our own. Here's how:

1. Stop the mental complaining. Complaining is the easy route, and usually causes us to feel worse, rather than better. This is because we are focusing on what is making us miserable. We need to think positively to feel better.
2. In your head, change the perspective: instead of someone having dark purposes, tell yourself that they or Providence has you in mind. An example of this is that Providence is keeping you safe because you are behind this infuriatingly slow vehicle on the road, even though you are in a hurry, or someone was really rude to you because they have just had something terrible happen to them. Even if your story is mostly fiction, it still can help you feel better.

Reframing is a good habit that will serve you well in your quest for happiness. It really can help us skim over the negatives and focus more on the positives that generate 'daily highs' that we need every day. This takes practice, sometimes at first it took me about 15 minutes into my mental grousing session before I realized what I was doing. But after a while my mental muscle became a bit stronger. Little by little those grousing sessions got shorter and shorter. Go me! I'm not perfect but I am sure a lot happier when I reframe.

Here is another neat idea: Dani at positivelypresent.com quotes actress Robin Wright Penn as saying, "I think negativity becomes kind of a habit. It's easy to fall into it and, like all habits, there's something familiar about it. I know it sounds ridiculous -- how can we be comfortable with sadness or negativity? But we can." I agree with this. It is effort at first to change negative thoughts. This article at positivelypresent is a must read. I am not affiliated in any way with this website. I just really thought it was helpful. Habits can most certainly be changed. We may not be able to control the thoughts that fly into our minds, but we control what we do with them. So in a nutshell:

1. Thoughts are habits.
2. Thoughts determine emotion.
3. If I manage those thoughts positively long enough, I manage my emotions.
4. My positive thinking becomes a habit that makes me happier.

I hope this helps you the way it has me.

*adaptation level theory: "says that we quickly become accustomed to receiving some good fortune (such as  money, job, car, or degree); we take the good fortune for granted within a short period of time; and as a result, the initial impact of our good fortune fades and contributes less to our long-term level of happiness."(Plotnik, Rod, and Kouyoumdjian, 447)

Works Cited

*Plotniik, Rod and Haig Kouyoumdjian. "Introduction to Psychology." Belmont, CA: Wadsworth, 2013. page 447. Print.

www.positivelypresent.com

 Stone, Karen, MS, LMFT-A, LCDCi