Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Moving On
Well, lots has happened since I posted last. My divorce is officially final. My ex seemed to be having second thoughts. He didn't, but it caused me to consider reconciliation. I didn't feel good about it. If I had, I would have done everything I could to do so, but I really felt awful about it. I realized I didn't want to put my kids through everything that they had been through again. My ex has waffled about wanting me for so long that I realized there was nothing different here, and I would not do that to myself or my kids again. It really went a long way to helping me get beyond "he left me, I'm a victim" feelings. I feel like God helped me to realize that if I had the choice, I still would choose my current situation. It feels so good to be realizing that life is not over, and I am actually happy now. Sure, money is so tight it's screaming and I'm a student trying to work and get the education I need, while trying to be the Mom my kids need. It's hard. But God is helping me, and I am starting to enjoy the idea of a fresh start. And my kids, who have had a really rough time, are settling down now that I seem a little more normal and happpy. Its really, really good to be in this emotional place after such a harrowing year.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Shutting Down the Drama
I've had some disagreements with the ex. I soon learned that if I "stood up for myself" that things just got worse. I have decided to just not get into "discussions" with him when there are disagreements, it's just not productive. I decided that it just isn't my job to teach him a thing, or even give consequences for the things I feel that he has done to me. That is, thankfully, God's job.
You know that parenting class that they make all people getting a divorce take? Well, in mine they taught us to focus on what is good for the child, no matter how ridiculous you may think your ex is being. I chose to follow that advice, because 1) my kids are my life, and 2) it seems to follow the "Golden Rule." I chose to not be like those who have hurt me, and backed down because I felt it was what God wanted me to do. I did it for Him, and, of course, my daughter. Please don't misunderstand, I am no doormat. I am, however, coming to realize that why even argue with someone that will never see eye to eye with me about anything? So, for me, sidestepping conflict keeps me from getting angry, and therefore helps my head stay on straight. I don't trust my mouth when I am angry. This disagreement was about driving. You'd think that is a small thing, and maybe it is, but the price of gas is a very big deal on my non-existent budget. Anyway, I chose to let things go and do things the ex's way because no way was I going to make my daughter feel bad that her parents were fighting again, and this time it was over something she needed. I want my children to know that taking care of them is a privilege and not a burden. Just a side-note here, I am not sure how she finds out about our disagreements, but I have my suspicions. Since she does find out when things go awry, I have to be very careful.
My ex responded to my new method in a very, very good way. It really made a difference once he realized I really had the children's best interest in mind. It seemed to really make things much better. We are actually talking civily, and acting more like aquaintences than adversaries. It has been wonderful for the kids. It gives me hope that co-parenting (don't you HATE that term) might be a little less difficult down the road.
It truly has completely shut down the drama, at least for now. I hope that something similar works for you.
I'd love to get some feedback.
"Be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you."
-Doctrine and Covenants 68:6
You know that parenting class that they make all people getting a divorce take? Well, in mine they taught us to focus on what is good for the child, no matter how ridiculous you may think your ex is being. I chose to follow that advice, because 1) my kids are my life, and 2) it seems to follow the "Golden Rule." I chose to not be like those who have hurt me, and backed down because I felt it was what God wanted me to do. I did it for Him, and, of course, my daughter. Please don't misunderstand, I am no doormat. I am, however, coming to realize that why even argue with someone that will never see eye to eye with me about anything? So, for me, sidestepping conflict keeps me from getting angry, and therefore helps my head stay on straight. I don't trust my mouth when I am angry. This disagreement was about driving. You'd think that is a small thing, and maybe it is, but the price of gas is a very big deal on my non-existent budget. Anyway, I chose to let things go and do things the ex's way because no way was I going to make my daughter feel bad that her parents were fighting again, and this time it was over something she needed. I want my children to know that taking care of them is a privilege and not a burden. Just a side-note here, I am not sure how she finds out about our disagreements, but I have my suspicions. Since she does find out when things go awry, I have to be very careful.
My ex responded to my new method in a very, very good way. It really made a difference once he realized I really had the children's best interest in mind. It seemed to really make things much better. We are actually talking civily, and acting more like aquaintences than adversaries. It has been wonderful for the kids. It gives me hope that co-parenting (don't you HATE that term) might be a little less difficult down the road.
It truly has completely shut down the drama, at least for now. I hope that something similar works for you.
I'd love to get some feedback.
"Be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you."
-Doctrine and Covenants 68:6
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Healing will Come- Everything Will Be Alright
*(This post is very religiously oriented)
I am so grateful for the atonement. I have learned first hand how the atonement of Jesus Christ is not just for the remission of sins, but it is also for taking pain away from us. I have learned that just praying, in the name of Jesus Christ, to remove that pain actually works! He hears and answers prayers! At first, the relief was only a few minutes. It seemed our Father in Heaven wanted me to show him that I was serious about turning to Him for comfort. The more I prayed, the more Comfort I received. Whenever I am angry, hurt, sad, depressed, or otherwise feeling negative, I go to our Father in Heaven. It so works.
The example of Jesus Christ teaches us to pray for our enemies, and this is an important part of our healing. If you can't pray for your ex yet, that's OK- it's your timeline, God gives us all the time we need. The sooner you start though, the faster you heal. Try it and see.
The next thing that I have learned is that the scriptures are better than Xanax or Clonazapam! They calm me down. No matter what I am reading, it seems to work. It is faint at first, you have to reach for the peace. Sometimes the book will fall open and my answer is right in front of me. Sometimes not, but the feeling of peace is there to be had if you reach for it. For me, I have been doing this for over a year, working through heartache and the can of worms that is opened when you divorce. I find that the peace I feel comes with much less effort on my part. Hang in there, and if you can, go to church.
So until next time:
These are basic, but powerful. Do these things privately, and with your children. They need peace and healing as much or more than we do.
This I know: Everything will be alright. If you just do the basics, God will take care of everything. And in the meantime, He lifts you up, and makes your burdens light.
I am so grateful for the atonement. I have learned first hand how the atonement of Jesus Christ is not just for the remission of sins, but it is also for taking pain away from us. I have learned that just praying, in the name of Jesus Christ, to remove that pain actually works! He hears and answers prayers! At first, the relief was only a few minutes. It seemed our Father in Heaven wanted me to show him that I was serious about turning to Him for comfort. The more I prayed, the more Comfort I received. Whenever I am angry, hurt, sad, depressed, or otherwise feeling negative, I go to our Father in Heaven. It so works.
The example of Jesus Christ teaches us to pray for our enemies, and this is an important part of our healing. If you can't pray for your ex yet, that's OK- it's your timeline, God gives us all the time we need. The sooner you start though, the faster you heal. Try it and see.
The next thing that I have learned is that the scriptures are better than Xanax or Clonazapam! They calm me down. No matter what I am reading, it seems to work. It is faint at first, you have to reach for the peace. Sometimes the book will fall open and my answer is right in front of me. Sometimes not, but the feeling of peace is there to be had if you reach for it. For me, I have been doing this for over a year, working through heartache and the can of worms that is opened when you divorce. I find that the peace I feel comes with much less effort on my part. Hang in there, and if you can, go to church.
So until next time:
- Pray always- on your knees and in your heart in the name of Jesus Christ - and, though it may feel very against your grain- don't forget the ex.
- Read your scriptures
- Go to church.
- Tithe 10% to the church or charity of your choice. Keep trying. No one is perfect. This is one area that really opens channels for God to bless us.*
- If you belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS), get a temple recommend and go to the temple when you can.
- Live what you believe.
These are basic, but powerful. Do these things privately, and with your children. They need peace and healing as much or more than we do.
This I know: Everything will be alright. If you just do the basics, God will take care of everything. And in the meantime, He lifts you up, and makes your burdens light.
*Malachi 3:10 King James Version
10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.
28 ¶aCome unto me, all ye that blabour and are heavy laden, and I will give you crest.
Matthew 11:28-30 King James Version
28 ¶aCome unto me, all ye that blabour and are heavy laden, and I will give you crest.
29 Take my ayoke upon you, and blearn of me; for I am cmeek and dlowly in eheart: and ye shall find frest unto your souls.
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