Fear Phobia

One thing that everyone feels now and then is fear. That's just normal. I can say I felt fear in a very big way when I first thought my husband was going to leave me, with no education and six kids to feed and take care of. Since then, I can see that I have been taken care of by my Father in Heaven every step of the way. It feels awesome to feel so loved. There is NOTHING like feeling the love of our Father in Heaven.

While mild fear is a good motivator, it can really be a terrible thing if we allow our fear to keep us from achieving what we were meant to. I feel that success is just as much a mental game as actually going forward and making things happen.  Failure just adds to knowledge, and knowledge makes us better and more efficient. Unfortunately, if we allow failure to affect us negatively, it can cause a fear of trying again and failing. This is a choice. The mental aspect of achieving success usually is the easiest part if we choose to learn and grow from mistakes. This even includes the really big ones, the ones we need to heal from. Positive thinking really can help us learn, grow, and keep working for the things that make us happy. It gives us hope, helps us heal, and moves us forward. Fear, on the other hand is the opposite of faith and can, if left unchecked, actually keep us from following through with sound plans and acting on inspiration.

I love the report of Elder David A. Bednar speaking to BYU Hawaii students. It is called "Fear Not, I am With Thee". It's pretty cool. And I agree with him, we never have to be alone.

Acceptance and Mercy

The actress Susan Sarandon has been quoted (I am paraphrasing) as saying,"The bigger the mistakes, the more you learn." I agree.

I've done really well healing, and I want others to know what has helped me so much. My divorce is over, and I want to be a new, better, refined me. My divorce has been a great learning experience, it is done and over with. It has been the most difficult and painful thing I have ever gone through, and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned.

My life is starting again, maybe not new, but it has been newly 'rebooted.' I will always grieve for the loss of a simple family unit and the pain my children have experienced. Those feelings,while will always be there, are getting easier to live with, and I am happy on my own. I am not emotionally needy, either, which is pretty incredible. Many need 'that special someone'. I'm not saying that I wouldn't like someone like that, but I'm happy now, not desperately looking for Mr. Right. I feel more confident in me than I have in many years.

In his book "The Peacegiver" by James L. Ferrell, he explains through story form that when we are using the Atonement to remove the hurt, the Lord fills us with Christlike charity that fills up that hole inside with love for those who have hurt us, and if our companion decides to stay with us, then wonderful. But if they don't, we can take comfort, we have gained a companion in Christ.

I'm not perfect, and every so often I still get angry, frustrated, hurt, and all those feelings from the Adversary, because I am not yet perfect. I am improving, and for the most part I feel whole, and I do feel that companionship that Brother Ferrell has talked about. I personally feel this is why I'm not feeling those vulnerable 'I need someone to love me' feelings. It's really freeing. I want who I am to define me, not my divorce or my past mistakes. I want to leave behind the bad in the dust and enjoy the positives that are mine now. And, happily, I am doing it.

There is an article from the Ensign Magazine (look under Latter-Day Saint Voices) called Read Your Book of Mormon that really resonates with me. It is very similar to my own experience dealing with the loss of my marriage. This lady was dealing with the loss of a baby, but our experiences with the healing power of the Atonement were very similar. You might want to check it out.

An other article that is more of a report in the church news is by President Packer. This is about things that we have personally done wrong, and it has been helpful to me. We all deal with the agony of, "I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that" with the dissolution of a marriage. This is a good place to start to heal from this aspect of divorce, if you are interested: One Truth Most Worth Knowing by Elder Packer. It's a very good perspective. If we can just move beyond the "I need to" stage to the "I'm following through" stage, life gets much better quick.

Hope this helps you as much as it has me. I'ts just my humble opinion that it will.

Leaving Adversity Behind

I have found a great article from the Ensign magazine. It really has helped me. It was a nice reminder, sometimes we all need a pep talk. Especially me.:)

Leaving Adversity Behind by Elder David S. Baxter

You are not forgotten. Not now, not ever. Articles like this prove it. Keep looking to our Father in Heaven for help and comfort. He is there. Just ask him for the help and change of heart you need. He won't let you down.

Some Things That Help Simplify

I've been pretty sick lately. Bad case of food poisoning I think. Who has time to be sick? Not me. And not anybody I know. Lately, because of Thanksgiving, and because of a personal goal of mine to be more grateful, I have come up with a few links that have helped me tremendously. Especially while being sick :).

Flylady has been a huge help in keeping my house out of chaos for years. That is, when I am disciplined enough to do it. Conquering clutter and trails of daily living 15 minutes at a time! Marla Cilley is a genius.

www.flylady.net

I haven't tried 5 dinners 1 hour yet, but I think I'm going to be a fan. I love prepping thirty meals all in one day and then freezing it, cooking it when needed. However, my cash flow or time doesn't seem to cooperate lately. 5 days just seems the ticket for right now. It is a shopping list for dinners and sides, you prep for 1 hour, and you have 5 dinners in the  fridge, and you cook them when you need them. The sides are quick, quick, quick. And it's healthy. I downloaded the free menu mailer, looks really good. I'll let you know.

www.5dinners1hour.com

Very similar to this is SavingDinner.com. I love this site and did subscribe for a long time.

www.savingdinner.com

Here is the gratitude part:  "Recognizing God's Hand in Our Daily Blessings by Elder D. Todd Christofferson. This is a great lesson on the right perspective.

http://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/01/recognizing-gods-hand-in-our-daily-blessings?lang=eng

Well, meds are kicking in and I'm quickly becoming incoherent. Have a great week!

A Couple of Fun Quotes

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. -Alice Roosevelt Longsworth

Gossip is news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress. -Liz Smith

Sometimes it's really nice to embrace who we are and not take ourselves so seriously. :) Have a wonderful next 24 hours everybody!

Happiness Doesn't Just Happen: Attitude Makes All the Difference

picture from positivelypresent.com

I'm doing a minor assignment for a class that I am taking, and in doing so, came across a great article in a blog post from positivelypresent.com. It really echos what I believe, and have found to be true. We make our own happiness, even when life just couldn't be going worse. This is a very empowering, yet at the same time, it's frightening because the responsibility for being happy is all on our shoulders. If this is scary, remember, this is really, really cool. It means that no one but you can stop you from being happy. It is true that attitudes make all the difference.

In order to be happy, we really need to understand what happiness is. "Researchers find that happiness is not a fixed state and does not primarily result from getting more money, cars, clothes, or promotions because these achievements gradually lose their emotional appeal, as predicted by the adaptation level theory*. Rather, being happy is a continuous process associated with making an effort to enjoy simple, daily pleasurable events, people, or situations. It includes a daily diet of little highs, as well as pursuing personal goals, developing a sense of meaningfulness, having intimate relationships, and not judging yourself against what others do but by your own yardstick "(Plotnik, Rod, and Kouyoumdjian, 447, emphasis added)*. It seems to reason then, that focusing more on the good things in everyday rather than our daily hassles would be a good way to generate more happiness in our lives. If we notice and appreciate what we have, we really elevate our moods by focusing our thoughts in a positive direction. Sometimes we are hurt by the action of others, whether it was meant to hurt us or not. It does become necessary to take this in stride.

Taking hurtful things in stride is not easy, and sometimes requires some action on our part. 'Reframing' or changing the our perspective of a situation can be helpful to see these difficult situations in a better light. An example of changing our perspective is illustrated in an example that Karen Stone, MS, LMFT-A, LCDCi, gave me: A man was in the line to checkout at a supermarket with his children. It was later in the evening.  He seemed very upset, and others in line were not appreciative of his parenting methods. It wasn't until one of the children asked their father if their mother was in Heaven yet. From their conversation it became obvious that they were on their way home from the hospital where this man's wife had died, and they were buying food because there wasn't any food at home to eat. This reframed perspective on what was going on completely changed the opinions of those in line with this family. Instead of feeling indignant and hostile to the father, they felt compassion, sympathy and charity. This example of reframing didn't require the actions of those around this little family, but it gives a powerful example of how simple thoughts and perspectives changes our emotions. We can be proactive, and decide to reframe on our own. Here's how:

1. Stop the mental complaining. Complaining is the easy route, and usually causes us to feel worse, rather than better. This is because we are focusing on what is making us miserable. We need to think positively to feel better.
2. In your head, change the perspective: instead of someone having dark purposes, tell yourself that they or Providence has you in mind. An example of this is that Providence is keeping you safe because you are behind this infuriatingly slow vehicle on the road, even though you are in a hurry, or someone was really rude to you because they have just had something terrible happen to them. Even if your story is mostly fiction, it still can help you feel better.

Reframing is a good habit that will serve you well in your quest for happiness. It really can help us skim over the negatives and focus more on the positives that generate 'daily highs' that we need every day. This takes practice, sometimes at first it took me about 15 minutes into my mental grousing session before I realized what I was doing. But after a while my mental muscle became a bit stronger. Little by little those grousing sessions got shorter and shorter. Go me! I'm not perfect but I am sure a lot happier when I reframe.

Here is another neat idea: Dani at positivelypresent.com quotes actress Robin Wright Penn as saying, "I think negativity becomes kind of a habit. It's easy to fall into it and, like all habits, there's something familiar about it. I know it sounds ridiculous -- how can we be comfortable with sadness or negativity? But we can." I agree with this. It is effort at first to change negative thoughts. This article at positivelypresent is a must read. I am not affiliated in any way with this website. I just really thought it was helpful. Habits can most certainly be changed. We may not be able to control the thoughts that fly into our minds, but we control what we do with them. So in a nutshell:

1. Thoughts are habits.
2. Thoughts determine emotion.
3. If I manage those thoughts positively long enough, I manage my emotions.
4. My positive thinking becomes a habit that makes me happier.

I hope this helps you the way it has me.

*adaptation level theory: "says that we quickly become accustomed to receiving some good fortune (such as  money, job, car, or degree); we take the good fortune for granted within a short period of time; and as a result, the initial impact of our good fortune fades and contributes less to our long-term level of happiness."(Plotnik, Rod, and Kouyoumdjian, 447)

Works Cited

*Plotniik, Rod and Haig Kouyoumdjian. "Introduction to Psychology." Belmont, CA: Wadsworth, 2013. page 447. Print.

www.positivelypresent.com

 Stone, Karen, MS, LMFT-A, LCDCi

 

Moving On

Well, lots has happened since I posted last. My divorce is officially final. My ex seemed to be having second thoughts. He didn't, but it caused me to consider reconciliation. I didn't feel good about it. If I had, I would have done everything I could to do so, but I really felt awful about it. I realized I didn't want to put my kids through everything that they had been through again. My ex has waffled about wanting me for so long that I realized there was nothing different here, and I would not do that to myself or my kids again. It really went a long way to helping me get beyond "he left me, I'm a victim" feelings. I feel like God helped me to realize that if I had the choice, I still would choose my current situation. It feels so good to be realizing that life is not over, and I am actually happy now. Sure, money is so tight it's screaming and I'm a student trying to work and get the education I need, while trying to be the Mom my kids need. It's hard. But God is helping me, and I am starting to enjoy the idea of a fresh start. And my kids, who have had a really rough time, are settling down now that I seem a little more normal and happpy. Its really, really good to be in this emotional place after such a harrowing year.